<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>the spinning never stops by takethebreadsticksandRUN</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24262966">the spinning never stops</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/takethebreadsticksandRUN/pseuds/takethebreadsticksandRUN'>takethebreadsticksandRUN</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Magnus Archives (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angsty sadness, Emotional Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Jon is scared, M/M, actually screw it we're all scared, but he has martin, carousel in the background, destruction of not!Sasha, duh - Freeform, except tim he's dead, he probably is going to become a therapist when they save the world, i'm scared too, jon is scared of himself, jon really can't vocalize anything, martin is a soft boyfriend, martin is scared, missing scene from episode 165, we all miss Sasha very very much, who can actually set good boundaries</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:15:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,009</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24262966</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/takethebreadsticksandRUN/pseuds/takethebreadsticksandRUN</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A missing scene from episode 165, 'Revolutions'</p><p>or</p><p>Jon tries to talk through some things</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>61</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the spinning never stops</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hey babies! because of an unlucky combination of no internet/interesting coronavirus traveling i have a huge backlog of fics to post, here is the first of many. if you are unable to remember (dishonor on you! dishonor on your family! dishonor on your cow!) the first part of this is taken directly from the episode transcript which is actually very helpful. i just added descriptions and stuff to the dialogue, but that came directly from jonny and alex don't give me credit! hope you like it.<br/>comments and kudos are my sustenance the same way jon needs his statements<br/>xxx</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>          “My dearest colleagues,” she stepped out of the shadows of the carousel towards Jon and Martin, “I can’t believe you’d decide to pass through my neighborhood and not say hello to dear, old Sasha.” She grinned evilly, stretching the skin in a way that wasn’t quite human.</p><p>          “Just ignore it, Martin,” he muttered. The music wailed in the background, indistinguishable from the screams.</p><p>          “Oh, you wound me, Archivist.” She pressed a hand to her heart melodramatically, “And we used to be so close.” Before, Jon hadn’t been able to tell the difference between Sasha James and this, this <em>thing</em>, but now there was something wrong. The proportions were off, the outline of her body simultaneously too soft and too angular.</p><p>          Jon snarled, “I have nothing to say to you.”</p><p>          “Nothing to say! Well, you crush me, bury me in the foundations of your little temple for a year, and now you have nothing to say?” Her voice, syrupy sweet, had taken on a poisonous undertone.</p><p>          “Leitner did that. And Peter released you. All I’ve done to you was not die,” he finished dismissively. Martin had paled considerably at her appearance, a feat in and of itself, and was trying to shrink into the ground, also a difficult task.</p><p>          “Oh, and I would say that is quite rude enough.” She laughed, long and hard at a joke only she knew. Her laughter mingled with the melodies of fear; songs twisted out of tortured machines.</p><p>          “Leave us alone. I won’t warn you again.” Jon took his hand and continued to walk away, not!Sasha trailing behind them.</p><p>           “ What if I let you choose this time? Which one of you would I wear next?” not!Sasha mused, a hand on her hip “Martin looks very comfortable, positively<em> roomy</em>. Wouldn’t you agree, Archivist?” Jon could See Martin tense up beside him, his walking pace hovering somewhere between Karen-Sees-a-Sale and Get-Me-Away-From-Here-Now.</p><p>          “Jon, do we need to run?”</p><p>          “Oh, yes, Martin. You very much do. I’ll even give you a head start!” She smiled and cocked her head to the side, inviting. Behind her, the carousel twirled on, flickering lightbulbs haloing the scene. A young woman screamed as faceless bodies contorted towards her.</p><p>          Jon wrapped a reassuring arm around Martin’s shoulders, laughing a soft, cruel laugh. “You’re bold, I’ll give you that…”</p><p>          “Last chance,” she hissed venomously</p><p>          “Desperate for one last morsel of terror from us?” He laughed again as not!Sasha snarled. “A final sip, and then we’re gone? Somehow we manage to keep just ahead of you and get away.”</p><p>          Martin looked from her to Jon, reading the anger. The woman’s rage was palpable, she breathed threateningly, heavily cursing them. Jon’s anger was hidden deeper, but still quite there.</p><p>          “Heaven forbid you actually catch us.” He spat sarcastically, “Doesn’t bear thinking about.”</p><p>          “Jon, what are you talking about?”</p><p>          “She,” he turned his back on her, “Cannot touch us. We’re so far beyond her now. She’s just like everything else here: ruled by the Eye. And she <em>hates</em> it.”</p><p>          not!Sasha roared, “Well of course you want to wallow in my shame like your voyeur master. Do you know how it feels? To be- anonymous? And yet known!” Angrily she paced back and forth quickly, slamming her heels into the ground. “To have all the sweetest dread I can create tainted by the relentless gaze of that damned Eye. I’ve suffered enough.”</p><p>           “Pathetic. Martin, let’s go,” he said dismissively at not!Sasha.</p><p>          “Not-” she drawled, “-not as pathetic as your little friend when I <em>ate her life</em>.” Jon froze, his face hardening.</p><p>          When not!Sasha had been taunting Martin, he had felt the usual protectiveness. Nothing was going to hurt him on his watch. Combined with the mention of Sasha, a cold fury overtook him. “What did you say?” he whispered venomously.</p><p>          She sucked in a quick breath and froze. “I- I, I’m- sorry.”</p><p>          “Jon-“ Martin stared at him, concerned.</p><p>          “You were wrong, you know.” not!Sasha whimpered, pained. “There is more suffering than you can ever experience, so much more. The horror of your victims, their constant, senseless agony.” She cried out, writhing. “Feel it now. Understand it. You have drawn out so much despair, and now finally, it’s your turn.”</p><p>          She began to sob as Jon filled her with the terror of a thousand faceless victims, a fear that had always seemed ludicrous to her. “No, please- don’t-“</p><p>          “Ceaseless Watcher,” he spat, “Turn your gaze upon this wretched <em>thing</em>.” Martin gasped slightly as the Eye above them blinked, focusing on the quivering form of not!Sasha. The air around them grew thick and damp as she fractured like a mirror, sharp shards of former people breaking off as she screamed, a high, broken sound, like an old radio station.</p><p>          And then she was gone.</p><p>          “What was that?” Martin laughed, equal parts fear and relief, “You obliterated her!”</p><p>          “Yeah,” Jon swayed slightly on his feet, looking drawn and exhausted, “I killed it. We should- we should go.” He turned to leave, the patch of ground behind him blurred, somehow, as if it wasn’t quite real. Just a mirage.</p><p>          The carousel continued to spin.</p><p>          “Hey, hey,” Martin gently grabbed his arm, steadying him, “Are you okay?” he drew Jon close to his body, concerned. He brushed a thumb across his cheek, searching his face for <em>something…</em> he wondered if Martin was looking for the monster lurking in his brain.</p><p>          “I’m okay.” Even as he said it, Jon knew he was lying to himself. But how could he say that? All this was his fault, he could never be okay, not like this. And after bringing about the apocalypse, dragging poor Martin through this hellscape, and then <em>killing </em>that thing, the minion of the Stranger, Jon had no right to be okay. <em>But,</em> he thought to himself, <em>no right to complain either. </em>He wouldn’t blame Martin for backing up, fearful.</p><p>          But of course, Martin didn’t. He would never leave Jon like <em>that.</em> He had to admit to himself that he didn’t deserve such devotion. What he did not expect, however, was the way Martin scooped him into his arms, burying his face in his neck.</p><p>          Jon tensed at first, still wary from their encounter with not!Sasha, but let himself be held. “I know you aren’t okay, Jon. It was a stupid question to ask,” he mumbled into his shoulder, “Should we sit for a second? You look kind of unwell.”</p><p>          Grateful, he nodded. He disentangled himself gently from Martin’s embrace. “Good idea.” Jon pulled him over to a brick wall, once tall and bearing a sign advertising the carousel behind them. Now it was little more than a crumbling stack of brick. Nonetheless it provided a place to rest.</p><p>          Hard cement digging into their backs, the two sat in silence, hands touching. Martin thought privately that if circumstances were different, they might have done this on another evening. Not destroy monsters, but just watch what would be called a sunset together.</p><p>          The idea pained him and so he forced it away, locking it in the back of his mind. Martin tried to stay in the present, basking in the eternally bloody light and ever-present screams from the carousel.</p><p>          Jon was still in shock from their encounter. He had no idea he was able to just, Know things out of existence. In another experience, he would have just left the other servants of the Entities alone, but this time…</p><p>          “What are you thinking about?” Martin asked quietly, anxious in Jon’s silence.</p><p>          “Just,” he gestured at the world around them, “Everything, I guess.”</p><p>          “Jon, I need you to talk to me here. Communicate what you’re feeling. I <em>want</em> to help you, but you need to let me in.”</p><p>          He leaned against Martin, sighing. “There is so much going on, I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now, it’s all so bloody complicated.”</p><p>          “Well, let’s start simple. How did destroying that <em>thing</em> feel?”</p><p>          Jon smiled ruefully, “No less complex there.”</p><p>          “Talk me through it, then.” Martin wasn’t going to let this go.</p><p>          “Alright, alright. When we first saw her, just wearing Sasha, I was… afraid. Afraid that I might have to hurt her. That’s stupid, I know, it’s not really <em>her</em>.”</p><p>          “Not stupid at all, she was our friend. This is good, Jon, keep talking.”</p><p>          “Fine, let’s see, I was afraid. Yes. Then when she started to taunt us, I felt so angry. How dare she… I don’t know. The anger came from nowhere and it didn’t want to leave.” Martin wrapped an arm around him. “I was still going to keep walking; I knew she couldn’t touch me. But when she threatened to <em>steal you</em>, something just snapped.” Jon sighed frustratedly, unable to find the words. “Never taunt me then threaten my boyfriend. I won’t let them touch you, you know that, right?”</p><p>          “Yes, you told me,” Martin hummed softly, encouraging him to keep going.</p><p>          “All of the fear and anger just exploded, I guess. Benefits of serving an all-powerful Eldritch monstrosity, I suppose. I do know that I wanted to make her feel all the things she had done, the pain of losing a friend without being allowed to even <em>grieve</em>, the fear of losing the person you care about more than anything… it was more than I had ever felt at once.”</p><p>          “So you just…” he trailed off, unsure.</p><p>          “Yeah, I guess I just forced her to not exist anymore,” Jon answered the unfished question. “Martin, I’m a- a monster…”</p><p>          “No you’re not. You did what you had to do. Hey, look at me,” he took Jon’s face in his hands, easily cupping his chin with a palm. “This does not make you a monster. You will never be a monster.”</p><p>          He reached up and molded his fingers around Martin’s. “The thing is,” he said hesitantly, “I enjoyed it. The power felt so <em>right</em>, the ability to just stop something from being, it’s terrible but it feels so good.”</p><p>          “If that makes you a monster, then I’m one too. I wanted her to be gone just as much as you. That thing stole Sasha, if she had threatened you I would have done the same thing if I could have.”</p><p>          “I just don’t want to hurt you one day. There is so much power in the Beholding, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop next time.” He closed his eyes, blind to the concern behind Martin’s.</p><p>          “I love you. You know that, right? I will always be right here, no matter what. I don’t care if you think you’re becoming a monster or something. I’ve seen you destroy monsters, beating the fears at their own games. You have all this power, but every time  you use it you are protecting your friends.” He opened his mouth to speak but Martin brushed a finger across his lips and continued, “Why else would you have willingly entered the Buried? For Daisy. You came to the Lonely to find me, you destroyed one of the Stranger’s minions because they killed Sasha. Whatever your other faults, you <em>care</em> about people.”</p><p>          Jon took a deep breath, “Wow, that was uh, a lot. Thank you. I’m sorry about all this,” he said slowly, implying everything from the apocalypse to the pile of bricks they were sitting on.</p><p>          “It’s okay. We’ll make this right. I just worry about you,” he sighed.</p><p>          “Yeah, I’m sorry about that too. I hate how hard it is to just <em>talk</em>, even to you. I wish you didn’t worry so much about me. I’ll be fine, Martin.”</p><p>          “No you won’t. And it’s fine, I <em>like</em> worrying about you,” he dropped his hands to his lap, “It gives me a purpose. Something I have to, so I don’t just…give up.”</p><p>          “That’s how you survived the Lonely,” Jon said softly, “You were protecting me.”</p><p>          “Yeah, and you were-are. You are protecting me.”</p><p>          Jon stared up at him, a gentle expression on his face when he said, “Always.”</p><p>          Behind them, the carousel continued to spin.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>so at this point i'm basically trying to forget that season five is even happening.<br/>canon who? never heard of her, not in this house</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>